We went to see Adventureland. Now honestly, I went into this expecting the worst and trust me THE MOVIE DELIVERED. It was so awful, it was hard to sit there, but I would be damned if I wasn’t gonna wait it out.

So then on the car ride back, I thought : Did I not get it? I mean, maybe I missed what it was all about?

So, I looked at some of the reviews of the film, and now I am beginning to think that NO ONE actually saw the movie, and just made reviews based on the trailer, here are some:

1.) “There’s a good reason that Kristen Stewart won the female lead in the “Twilight” franchise. She can be the most attractive girl in the group without being the prettiest - you get why she catches the eye of the school’s alpha vampire, but she’s accessible enough to invite regular-gal identification. Stewart occupies the same space in “Adventureland” playing Emma, a bored teen working a summer theme-park job who takes an interest in clumsy newbie James (Jesse Eisenberg), a brainy kid who’s intriguingly out of place in his no-brainer job.”

This one if from the Philadelphia Inquirer, first of all, he calls Kristen Stewart’s character Emma when her name in the movie is clearly Emily. Then he refers to the other character “James” but the real life person’s name (Jesse). Hullo, whats up with this, it’s like he didn’t even TRY to review it. I’d also like to point out that her calls he a teen, when everyone in the movie is either in college or graduated, there would be only a slight chance that she is still a teen. It is not said whether or not she is a teen, but considering she is getting with a married older dude, I would expect her to be at least in her twenties.

2.) “I liked Adventureland a lot.”

OH, great review Chris Hewitt of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, is that a fucking high school newspaper? This does not even fucking count as a movie review. This is an opinion. Think about it, this is all that this man had to say about the movie.

3.) “Adventureland is one of the most consistently funny, consistently well written, consistently well acted and consistently appealing movies I’ve seen in a very long time.”

Um, Dear Brandon Fibbs, are you getting paid to use the word “consistently” or what. Seriously get a fucking thesaurus. If this is the most “consistently appealing” movie you’ve seen in a long time then I would not be surprised to find out the last movie you saw was Waterworld.

4.) “A film that rates right up there with Hollywood’s best romances. Kristen Stewart deserves an Oscar nomination, as does writer-director Greg Mottola.”

This guy is just a total, grade-A MORON, good review Tony Medley of the Tolucan Times, this man also gave Slumdog Millionaire 2 out of 5 “Swans” and then reviewed some sort of porn movie and gave it 5 out of 5, so, there you go.

5.) “The movie does a very good job of capturing the teens and their times. Everything feels right, from the ups-and-downs of late ’80s rock, to the way kids really behaved.”

Just wanted to point out that the “kids” in this movie have graduated from college. Not teenagers, guys, unless they are all advanced and graduated from college early like Doogie fucking Howser. If that were the case they would not be working at a theme park.

6.) “Adventureland is the comic roller coaster ride of 2009.”

FALSE.

7.) “The movie is well cast.”

Thanks for that insightful review, Jonathan Kiefer of the Sacramento News and Review, this is not something anyone could find out easily on the internet. Aren’t you supposed to review the movie in your movie review?

8. ) The thunder that follows the Superbad lightning.”

I don’t even know what this is supposed to mean. Adventureland is more like the shit that follows Superbad’s fart. Thanks, Phil Villarreal of the Arizona Daily Star, that was a great review.

I think this is enough evidence to prove my point. I would also like to thank Rotten Tomatoes for gathering all of these insightful and well-written movie reviews into one place. It made finding crappy news scraps easier to find.